Afterthoughts
by DinerGuy
Summary: Kevin Ryan contemplates the events leading up to the season four finale.


_Nothing Castle belongs to me, and I'm not claiming it does or making any money from this. Kevin just looked so sad at the end of the finale that once I watched it again and could process everything, I just had to write something for him._

_Thanks to my lovely beta readers Kkarrie, Jden and domina tempore for their assistance._

**wmwmw**

"_The least we can do, Kevin, is make sure we have her back." -Javier Esposito, "Always" (4x23)_

He sat on his sofa, staring into nothing as his mind whirled a mile a minute.

Some news reporter was on the television, going on about a hike in gas prices or something that was equally as uninteresting to him at the moment. Although she could have been warning everyone of an impending nuclear attack and he still wouldn't have cared.

All he could think about was the events of the past few days. He had done what he thought was right; he had taken care of his team. But somehow, no one else saw it that way.

Sure, Gates had told him he had done the right thing. And he had known in his heart that it was the right thing to do, but the reactions from the others had still hurt.

When Kate had told them all those months back that the truth behind Montgomery's death needed to stay secret, he had felt wrong about hiding it but he had agreed. After all, there was some credence to her order; there was no reason to drag their former captain's name through the mud and stir up all kinds of trouble. And when Javier and Castle had agreed, he had agreed along with them, albeit reluctantly.

He had tried to bring up the topic once with his partner, but Javier had quickly shut him down. _"Montgomery was our captain,"_ the Hispanic detective had stated firmly. _"And he was a good cop; there's no way we are going to let his legacy be that of a dirty cop that got away with it."_

And as much as he didn't want to, Kevin had nodded and dropped the subject. It did make sense, and at the time, it seemed like the truth would only cause more problems, so he had left it alone.

Now, looking back, he could see all the ways things could have been taken care of if he had simply brought the situation to the right authority's attention. Kate might not have ended up with a bullet in her heart, might not have ended up nearly dying, and she most certainly would not have come a split second close to falling to her death after a rooftop fight with the sniper who had shot her at Montgomery's funeral.

Yes, he had made a mistake in hiding what he had hidden for the past year; Kevin was willing to admit that. He knew there would probably be some repercussions if the entire story ever got out, which it probably would when the internal investigation into the past few days' events began.

There was also the problem of his having gone along with the plan to keep the details of their most recent investigation from Gates. Their captain would have taken Kate off the case, he was certain. Gates was a by-the-book cop if there ever was one, and she would never have allowed one of her detectives to pursue a case that had taken such a personal turn.

Maybe if he had, Kate never would have ended up dangling multiple stories above the road, hanging off the ledge of a building by her fingertips. He didn't even want to think about what might have happened if he had been even a second slower.

Kevin sighed deeply, rubbing a hand over his face. He hadn't been expecting praise; at the least he expected disappointment, perhaps even some degree of anger, from his team when they learned he had gone against their wishes and informed Gates of the situation. But he was not about to let them run headlong into a dangerous situation with no backup.

He had not been prepared for the look in Kate's eyes when he and the other officers had pulled her back onto the rooftop. She had been calling out for Castle as she hung onto the ledge, and the way she looked at him as she realized the writer was not there cut him. There was a special connection between Kate and Castle, he knew that. But there was no missing the disappointment in her eyes, and she hadn't thanked him even once.

It wasn't like he hadn't tried to get Castle's help. He had called the writer's cell phone as soon as he made up his mind that he was not going to just sit at the station and wait for Kate or Javier to call. Castle hadn't answered, however. Kevin wanted to chalk it up to the fact that Alexis was graduating that evening and that Castle would be busy attending his daughter's award ceremony, but he knew deep down that there was more to it than that.

He didn't know all the details of what had happened between Kate and Castle, but something had. The writer wouldn't just leave a case, especially one in which there was so much invested. The way Kate had told them that Castle was off the case, he knew there had been some sort of falling out, but she hadn't offered any further information and he had been wiser than to ask.

Either way, the writer hadn't answered his call and he had no other recourse than to turn to his captain, as he should have done as soon as the others refused his suggestion of doing things the way they needed to do things and bring backup along.

He had been right about the need for backup, but for some reason, that wasn't doing much to comfort him at the moment. The only thing he could see in his mind's eye was his partner's face when Javier had left Gates' office after they got back to the station.

Javier hadn't even acknowledged Kevin's presence as he stalked to his desk to retrieve his jacket and then left. Even when Kevin tried to reason with him, there was no answer, no indication that his partner was anything but furious with what had happened.

Kevin knew that his partner was intensely loyal to his team. It was a trait that had served him well in the military, and it came through constantly in their interactions on the force. Kevin was not going to fault him for it, but he couldn't help wishing that maybe his partner wouldn't have been quite so determined to follow the senior detective to hell and back and just listen to reason when it really mattered. There were times when it was beneficial, but then there were times when-

"Kevin?"

He blinked and looked up, realizing with a start that the light that had been coming through the windows when he arrived home was now gone. He looked over to where Jenny was sinking onto the adjoining seat. He hadn't even heard her enter the apartment.

"Is everything okay, honey?" his wife asked, searching his face with a worried expression on her own.

Not quite sure of the words to say, he just shook his head slowly.

She put her hand over his and leaned in to kiss him softly. "Does this have something to do with your case?" Jenny didn't know many details, but Kevin knew he'd been moody the night before, and his wife did have that womanly intuition thing going for her.

"Yes," he managed. He took a deep breath, then launched into an explanation. He hadn't meant to tell her all the details, but they spilled out, tumbling over each other in their eagerness to come into the light after all this time.

Jenny just sat and listened, offering nods of sympathy as she let him talk himself out. When he finally sat back against the sofa, his eyes closed in a quiet sigh, she sat back with him and laid her head on his shoulder.

"It'll all be okay, Kev," she told him gently, rubbing his arm. "You did the right thing, you know."

"I know." His voice came out sounding much more pained than he had intended. "But I'm not so sure the people who matter know."

"They do," she assured him. "And they'll realize it when things calm down; remember, they were suspended. Imagine if the situation was reversed."

The conversation trailed off then, both Ryans lost in their own thoughts. Kevin wrapped an arm around his wife, and they sat in silence.

He sighed softly. Things might still be a tangled mess with his partner and the rest of the department, but at least there were some things that never changed. Javier was his partner. Even if it took some time, Kevin was sure they could figure things out. It might not be smooth and it might not be quick, but they had been together too long to let this stop them. At least, he hoped so.

And until then, he would have to be content with the knowledge that he had done the right thing. Like Jenny had said, there was a lot the others had to work through. And whenever they did, he would be sure he was at the station, waiting for them.

"_There are some people who are so much a part of us, they will be with us no matter what. They are our solid ground. Our north star. And the small clear voices in our hearts that will be with us always." -Alexis Castle, "Always" (4x23)_


End file.
